DreamSharer Boulevard

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Nothing really matters!

Posted by DreamSharer on April 8, 2012

I  feel like shriveling up and disappearing away. I feel like faking my death so I can start a fresh life away from all the pain and hurt I am going through at the moment. It feels like the whole world is on my shoulder and there is no one to help me carry that burden. My best friend, the person who used to show me the light in the dark, he disappeared. He is gone and I miss him so much. I am unable to talk to anyone or even find peace.

I feel so lonesome today. Who will hear my pain or help me through? I feel very misunderstood and overtaken by the world`s agony. Everyone who is troubled finds peace in taking it out on me, but what about me?  I am so emotionally tired and drained! I can`t do it alone. I am very severely hurt. I am not meant to always be judged harshly and for people to be tough with me. I deserve some understanding and some love and some support. Things I rarely feel now.

My disability is that I suck at verbal communication and yet even those who know that well still are not even ready to give that any consideration but want to hold it against me. I do try to explain what I meant to say and they don`t  care about what I mean, they care about what they heard, even knowing I have a problem expressing myself, my opinions and my beliefs. In what law, is this fair? I always provide my tolerance and patience with everyone, yet no one wants to do the same for me. why? what is wrong with me? Why is it impossible for people to make exceptions for me as I do for them?

I am so tired of my life! I struggle to find only one reason everyday to keep me going. For someone who feels every aspect of her life is not successful and that the whole world is against her including the ones she loves the most I struggle to stay on my feet everyday. I keep it all to myself. I am this close to giving up. Nothing in my life is working and nothing in my life is worth fighting for. I feel even that even my relationship is going downhill and everyone is too busy to even notice what I am going through. I have been sleeping almost 22 hours of the 24 hours of the day. I have not been eating and mostly I have been waking up at night choking out of breath. I have nightmares 22 hours of the day while sleeping and I have not been taking my medications. I am going through hell and I feel so unwilling to fight for anything.  I don’t think I can do it anymore. Behind my fake smile that I show to everyone including my own family, there is this hollow sorrow and severe pain that does not stop. I don`t really see any light around me. My friends are gone, and the ones I love the most are not aware of what I am feeling. I am so tired. I am very very tired. My tears won`t stop and all I want is for all this to end. that is the only way my pain will end.

My dream since I was a little fairy talish child is that one day, God will send me a friend, an angel, who will be the only one who understood me and understood my disabilities and embraced them and kept me safe. I guess that will always remain a meaningless dream of a stupid little girl. I hate the world right now. I hate everything and nothing matters to me. I wish with all my heart to just fade away into another realm into an alternate reality away from all this.

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