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My sorrowful heart

Posted by DreamSharer on February 8, 2012

I have been hiding in my own shell of solitude and silence for all these past years. I have only felt safe while slipping away into the secluded oblivion within me. For despite all the love I have for words, they too often failed to express the raging and racing feeling in my heart…

In my mind, I can hear music playing in sorrow tunes in the background. Still, this silence drowns my soul as if the last wave of the turning tide reaching for and yearning for the beach on dry land. The silence roaring through these hollow caves inside me soothes me yet leaves me tortured. At the end of the day, I ask myself, what is the use of this silence? What is the use in keeping things to myself. I wish now to be able to find the right literary phrases to illuminate the dark spaces within me. Only, there is nothing inside me. There is only silence, sorrow and a total absence of the light that guides me.

I have made my own decisions in the past. I made it with a clear head but mostly with a full heart. I have no regrets; I just have this indescribable sadness lurking throughout the hollow rooms of memory inside me. The same thing happens with my memories with you. To turn back time and savor these moments again with you more deeply, is wishing for the impossible. Memory is a blessing I am happy to bear but also one that I often curse because it reminds me too clearly of all that I had and lost. With ease, I can walk the corridors of my past with you. Each second with you feels still fresh and vivid; alive with sight, sound and scent. It is physically, emotionally and mentally beyond me to cherish those moments any more than I did at the time of their creation. It hurts more than I can describe that I can’t feel those moments anymore. They were experienced with more intensity than what my frail heart and body imagined or experienced.

The pain lies now in not being able to sense those moments physically with you. The pain is the total numbness of my hands and mouth and body when I recall out time together. I can’t feel that. Without your presence these memories are just home videos thrown up on the fragile, aged and cracked wall of my mind. I truly believe that I could sculpt your entire form out of clay; every contour of muscle, I can sculpt it to perfection. My mind can see you clearly with an etched brilliance. Every night my mind runs over those memories; remembering, reminiscing, yet aching with emptiness because it is only a memory.

My thoughts are empty now sweetheart.

I can see you in my mind reading my words and it makes me smile but in a sad way. You will be sitting there reading these sentences and feeling a little fear that I may be exaggerating or that I don’t know what I am talking about.
Now again my words fail. My silence at this time and the necessity of silence was the only expression of emotion that is left inside me.

These are all that are left to me. Again. As usual I am only thinking of you. If you were only here now… I no longer know what we would do. My head is no longer clear and my heart has overflowed. It is dripping flames of agony, love, passion and longing throughout and all over me. Oh but wait…You are not with me now…
I am hurting…

What more can I say?

Silence and sorrow is all I feel now.
If you were only here now…I’m not sure what will happen. Will we light the candles? Will we stay in darkness so we won’t see the temptations? Which would be better? Should I hide and remain still in this silent solitude of mine? Should I keep myself from reaching beyond my soul’s confines to touch yours? Should I be ashamed of these feelings I have for you?

Maybe I have no shame left. Not after those memories with you. Why should I feel shame for loving someone the way I love you? My life, the way I lived it, would have had me love you more with each passing day. Is that even an option?

It is not.

Despite all that lack of light I can still see you clearly. Can you see my face now? I hope not because I am smiling and laughing softly to myself while thinking of what you would see in my eyes without even uttering a word.

I miss you. I long for you. I am hungry for more memories with you.

At times, reality is a harsh and a cold place to live. I guess now is one of those times. Why can’t I make myself believe that you are here with me now? Was it fair of God to deny us the experience of utter love by making our proximity closer or our time together longer? Maybe it is a blessing that I do not have that to mourn over as well; to highlight even more forcibly what I no longer have. I don’t know. All I know is that I miss having you here to light up this darkness I see every day, and to roar through this silence and bring joy into this solitude I am going through.

Let me tell you what I know. I know that I love holding you, being with you, looking into your eyes knowing and hoping that you feel the same way about me. I love you so much that I breathe your scent, words sometimes cannot express it. Every moment I spent with you is a moment I cherish and remember with all my being. You are my star in the night sky. I look up to you for everything.

Love and friendship is what I feel with you, it is not just that we are lovers, we are also best friends, and that is what makes our relationship more special than anyone else’s. I grow to love you more and more every day, and I do not know right now what I would do without you. Sometimes I would like to think my love for you is like a great dream, I don’t want to wake up because I don’t want to lose that love.

So why is there space between us? Sometimes I just want to give up on trying to open myself up because all it does is just hurt me much more. I feel I want to go back to my shell and shrivel up because it won’t hurt me as much. But how can I do this? How can I not be open anymore when I find myself opening up to you naturally, showing you the most vulnerable parts inside me?

You still have my heart in the middle of your chains of veins. It is my heart, but your arteries and veins feed it and connect to it. When you have your arms around me I feel you have it around my soul. I know I will always love you and that makes me cry because I get hurt when you are not here.

The love inside me is burning for you.

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