DreamSharer Boulevard

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Do I really mean anything to anyone?

Posted by DreamSharer on July 8, 2012

Today, I feel what my real life is. I used to have a life full of people. So many friends, so many loved ones, so many strangers I’d meet and so many acquaintances. I never really ran out of people to talk to. Everywhere I turned there were 100’s of people who loved just waiting to spend time with me. Even in my painful moments, I used to be happy because I would feel the love all around me. All of a sudden all of that got taken away from me. Everyone is so busy and I have to adjust. The stress got more and I had to adjust. I fell in love again and my life centered around him. I gave him such a huge responsibility because subconsciously I made my life revolve around him. The day he is not there, emptiness filled my heart. Life separated me from my friends and loved ones and I learned what it means to be alone. But when he came along, he was my light. I am sorry I gave him that responsibility but he is everything to me.

Every day now, I fight new struggles in my life and every day I am reminded that I fight alone. I don’t feel the presence of friends and loved ones as I used to. I have fierce battles to fight each passing day when all I am trying to do is just relax. What is worse I have to fight alone because no one can help me. But I wanna just give up because I am tired of fighting. I am tired of my battles. I am tired of being alone. I want my life back. I want my friends back. I want the love of my life back.

My heart bleeds. I think I am just waiting helplessly for the end to come. I feel that my soul was sucked out. I feel just so tired and yet so hopeless. I have seen myself give up many times. I have seen that twice last night and once today. I have seen myself drift away. But even then I don’t take actions because I am afraid of dying alone. I feel alone…so alone. Who will ever feel my absence when they live days and weeks without me. How will my absence even affect them when they can go on for so many days and weeks without even once replying to me. Do I really mean anything to anyone because I know I don’t mean anything to myself. The only thing that kept me fighting is not hurting them but now I feel that they either won’t get hurt that much or that they will just get over it as soon as it happens.

I am so weak right now. I can’t find my strength or smile anywhere. I just wanna retire and end the pain.

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