DreamSharer Boulevard

A Media Shrine and a Garden
of Art, Creativity & Inspiration.

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I can’t even breathe

Posted by DreamSharer on January 30, 2015

My chest has been so tight.  I can barely breathe. I wanted to talk to someone but there is no one I could talk to. I feel lost and alone and have no idea what to do. I just seem to be a problem to people around me just by existing in this world. Whatever I do and whatever I say, just end up getting more people upset with me.

 

I’ve been feeling so bottled up. I feel like with every minute that passes, I am just holding back my tears because I feel like I am about to crumble. My chest closes up at times and I just feel like I can’t breathe anymore. All I wanted was to be able to be myself and to be loved for who I am. But I feel like being myself hurts people. I don’t want to hurt anyone.

 

Confronting does not work because I always get the same standard answer  “I didn’t meant it.” If you don’t mean it then why say it or do it?

 

At this point I feel so lost and not able to see my road ahead clearly. I feel like I am at a dead end and I don’t know what’s next. I can’t take any of my past actions back. I can only deal with what is happening right now.

 

I am just tired of being stressed out all the time. I just want a break. I have no idea what to do next. I can’t even think anymore, my mind is blank and I feel I am on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Volcano about to explode

Posted by DreamSharer on January 29, 2015

volcano7n-7-web

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know anything but I try to give myself hope or else I would crumble.  This period I am going through is very difficult for me. I am so angry, enraged and full of rage. Everything that happens to me now, however small, just feeds that anger more. I only see red around me. Every fiber and cell inside me is full of anger and about to burst. I have been feeling like a volcano for a long time and today I feel that anything else that happens will get that volcano to explode and all that lava to burn everything around me including me. I am on the verge
of explosion. I only want to sleep everything off because I don’t want to break. I am trying to keep that volcano from  exploding and yet I feel like I can’t. I am choking on my own anger and my chest feels so tight and I can’t stand anything or anyone. At this specific moment I just want to disappear into nothing.

ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER…that’s all that is filling me and filling my head.

I am seeing red because I feel hurt and betrayed in many ways and things keep coming up. I don’t get even one day to relax before a new thing comes up. I am just so tired.  Emotionally, mentally, physically…I am so tired.  This pent up anger is killing me. I can’t even breathe. I feel so horrible. My chest hurts, my throat hurts, I feel like something is stuck in my throat and choking me.

I do believe that the actions of people make me feel those things. When the actions don’t match the words, we get confused and we don’t know what is true anymore. Do we believe the words, or the actions? We can’t believe both because they contradict one another, so what do we believe? Do we believe how the actions make us feel?

I know right now I am hurting so much and hurting because of a lot.  I feel so many scars and hurt. I have fainted in the past because my inability to get my anger out in a healthy way manifested into a physical and emotional breakdown and now I want to try and find a way to get my anger and hurt out but in a healthy manner and I still don’t know how…But I am trying to figure it all out.

Realizations

Posted by DreamSharer on February 2, 2014

kids

I guess we all go on a path of self discovery. Luckily for some of us, they attain self discovery early on in life. Some of us keep searching for a very long time and finally discover themselves at some stage in their lives. Then there is some that live their whole lives and pass on without ever attaining self discovery. This means that even those that finally realized things about themselves and their purpose in life at a later stage in life, they should consider themselves lucky too because at least they finally reached self discovery.

See I am writing this because the last 2 years of my life have been the best years I have ever lived. I lived my whole life searching for who I really am and wondering what I was supposed to do with all these gifts and talents that God gave me. My life, my gifts and talents were so confusing to me. I had so many talents in so many areas that were not even connected with each other. I had journalistic talents, I was a born-writer, I had editing and video making talents, I was born creative, I had film-making talents, and I have a natural gift and ability with kids. No matter how difficult the child is, leave me with him/ her and that child will change to the better. I love children to death and I never knew how that could fit with anything else I am talented in. I did not know until a moment of realization 2 years ago. After all my search, doing my bachelor’s degree in Journalism and media and finding out that despite the fact that I am talented in that field I can’t stand to work in it. Then got my post-graduate diploma in Documentary production and screen-writing and realized then that my love for film-making is like something I would like to do on the side but is not actually what I am meant to be. Finally, two years ago, I decided to tutor on the sideline in my free time. One of my students was a 7 years-old little girl. God bless her for showing me the way. She did not do anything but being herself. Being herself, she taught me that the only medium where I don’t feel like I have to drag myself out of bed to work every single day and hate my life for not having any real purpose to it, is teaching. I was finally excited about my day every single day. I could not wait for my lessons with her. Sometimes her mom would be with her friends and would not pick her up until 4 hours later. That was still so wonderful to me. I know I taught her a lot in our lessons but she taught me so much too. It was then that I realized that my purpose is to be a good teacher to make a good and much-needed change in this world. I realized then that God had bigger plans for me than making movies or publishing books or becoming a journalist. Of course I still do those wonderful things but teaching is a very noble vocation and I was meant to pursue my life in that path.

Two years later, after going back to school and getting my master’s degree in teaching, now I am so grateful every single day of my life that I finally found my calling! I taught children of different ages and different backgrounds and geographical locations for the past 2 years and I have always, every single day, felt like I was finally in the right place! I made many differences in the lives of children and they have all made many differences in mine. They have been my mentors too and I love all my kids to bits! I was waking up every single day looking so forward to going to school and being with the kids. Waking up at 6 in the morning was finally exciting. Being a night owl all my life, having to become an early bird and sleeping early to wake up early, finally felt Great! Every single thing in my life changed for the better and became happier! Every day in the classroom was different than the day before and I finally felt the rewards of doing something you are so passionate about.

Now, one of my students whom I taught during my student teaching semester, writes letters to me. I tell all of you that nothing exceeds the anticipation I have to read her letters. Every time I get her letter, I become like a little girl who just got her Christmas present. If all of that does not mean that I was meant to be a teacher then I don’t know what does.

I am so thankful to all my students for being in my life. I am so thankful to all my students who called me “Miss Princess” in the summer camp last July. The truth is I am not the princess, they are my princes and princesses! They are all my children and always will be forever! I feel so much gratitude that I finally found my way. I feel so much gratitude for being given this gift. I am now the happiest I can ever be knowing I am fulfilling my purpose in life and living every single day to its fullest as a full-fledged teacher!

Last but not least, to my student who writes me her beautiful and wonderful letters out there, I love you so much and I want you to know that you are the most special and precious girl in the world and in my life! I feel so lucky and blessed to have you in my life!

Book finally published!

Posted by DreamSharer on February 1, 2014

My first book is finally published! Since life is a journey, I called the book “The Journey Begins…“ This book is dedicated to all my friends; to my family, to my best friend and my moonlight companion; to everyone I met who touched my life; to strangers who were the reason for most of my inspirations; and to the special people in my life who have unfortunately passed away, may you rest in peace. I hope everyone likes the book!

http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Begins-Miss-Bara-Dweik/dp/1479193860/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1391038076&sr=8-1&keywords=the+journey+begins+by+bara+dweikcover 2

10 Lessons Einstein teaches us

Posted by DreamSharer on July 11, 2013

strange-albert-einstein

1. Follow Your Curiosity “I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.”

2. Perseverance is Priceless “It’s not that I’m so smart; it’s just that I stay with problems longer.”

3. Focus on the Present “Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”

4. The Imagination is Powerful “Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions. Imagination is more important than knowledge.”

5. Make Mistakes “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.”

6. Live in the Moment “I never think of the future – it comes soon enough.”

7. Create Value “Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.”

8. Don’t be repetitive “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

9. Knowledge Comes From Experience “Information is not knowledge. The only source of knowledge is experience.”

10. Learn the Rules and Then Play Better “You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.”

Do I really mean anything to anyone?

Posted by DreamSharer on July 8, 2012

Today, I feel what my real life is. I used to have a life full of people. So many friends, so many loved ones, so many strangers I’d meet and so many acquaintances. I never really ran out of people to talk to. Everywhere I turned there were 100′s of people who loved just waiting to spend time with me. Even in my painful moments, I used to be happy because I would feel the love all around me. All of a sudden all of that got taken away from me. Everyone is so busy and I have to adjust. The stress got more and I had to adjust. I fell in love again and my life centered around him. I gave him such a huge responsibility because subconsciously I made my life revolve around him. The day he is not there, emptiness filled my heart. Life separated me from my friends and loved ones and I learned what it means to be alone. But when he came along, he was my light. I am sorry I gave him that responsibility but he is everything to me.

Every day now, I fight new struggles in my life and every day I am reminded that I fight alone. I don’t feel the presence of friends and loved ones as I used to. I have fierce battles to fight each passing day when all I am trying to do is just relax. What is worse I have to fight alone because no one can help me. But I wanna just give up because I am tired of fighting. I am tired of my battles. I am tired of being alone. I want my life back. I want my friends back. I want the love of my life back.

My heart bleeds. I think I am just waiting helplessly for the end to come. I feel that my soul was sucked out. I feel just so tired and yet so hopeless. I have seen myself give up many times. I have seen that twice last night and once today. I have seen myself drift away. But even then I don’t take actions because I am afraid of dying alone. I feel alone…so alone. Who will ever feel my absence when they live days and weeks without me. How will my absence even affect them when they can go on for so many days and weeks without even once replying to me. Do I really mean anything to anyone because I know I don’t mean anything to myself. The only thing that kept me fighting is not hurting them but now I feel that they either won’t get hurt that much or that they will just get over it as soon as it happens.

I am so weak right now. I can’t find my strength or smile anywhere. I just wanna retire and end the pain.

Autobiography

Posted by DreamSharer on February 3, 2012

Playful, happy, and creative

I was like that as a child

Constantly looking for what’s new

Always running around

Very lively and energetic

And here I am now

All grown up

But still the same

Maybe a bit more determined and ambitious

A daydreamer, however no different from my childhood