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The Journey Begins…

Posted by DreamSharer on November 22, 2012

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Dear Bullies

Posted by DreamSharer on November 7, 2012

To my dear bullies,

At certain points you made my life a living hell. You think you have the right to speak down on me and hurt my feelings and I want you to know that I don’t care why, or what were your lame excuses for how you treated me. It doesn’t matter because what matters is that you did it, you so wrongly did it. I would like to say that you, and the way you treated me, were part of the reason why I tried to kill myself 4 months ago.

Your words have a HUGE effect on people especially the people you mock, and call names or label them.

You hurt me so much in many ways you can’t even imagine, especially because I put my trust in you and then you treated me like I was a complete messed up person.

You made me feel useless, and ugly, worthless and unlikable, like there was no way anyone would ever want to be friends with me.

You were so unfair for doing that to me. I never treated you with anything but love and in turn you treated me with aggression and disrespect. I hope you are happy with yourself because if I were you, I would not be able to stand myself for doing this to anyone, let alone someone who was the only one to be there for you when you were in desperate need.

You made me cry, humiliated me, and I wanted to just be invisible so I would never run into you. You always made me the funny and comedic subject in your conversations with people. I would love to be able to tell you that people adore you but I can’t because you are nothing. You are a bully who preys on other people for humor. You curse, you give attitude, leave people of authority when they are talking to you, use the information you have on people as an advantage against people, disrespect authority figures in school and a lot more. Why would you ever think you are better than everyone else?

You mostly target me because I do not want to hurt you and even though you think of me as pushover, I indeed put on my brave face and fight back. But on the inside, I am breaking to very little pieces. The reason why you would not just leave me alone is because I am a good person while you are not.

In so many ways, you’ve put me down and belittled me. You have succeeded in making me hate myself, my body, my talents, my intelligence, my independent and strong personality. You`ve done all those bad things to me in order to make yourself feel better about your own life. You filled me with rage and anger. You taught me not to trust people at all, and that I was not good enough for people to care about, befriend, or love me. You took advantage of a smart, funny, and kind big-hearted woman and you crushed her spirit and made her so deeply afraid of people. You manipulated me, made me feel guilty, and intimidated me. You made me cry wholeheartedly and you got a kick out of it and made you laugh, but it made me a stronger person.

I will never forget how you walked the halls in a manner as if you owned the whole dorms or school. You tried to make me believe that my place was way below you. You bullied me for no reason at all other than you just didn’t like me or you wanted me to do something for you and I said “NO”.

I had to avoid you no matter what and I still remember how you watched me, looked at me from head to toe, whispered to others and laughed at me.

Putting up with you made me a stronger person, made me a kinder woman, made me who I am today. I am who I am today not because of you but in spite of all of you bullies.

I will never treat you like you treated me because I am not you. I have to learn self-worth and boundaries but that never gave you the right to constantly attack me with your ignorant and hurtful words. Till this day I am working on forgiving you because even when I am in denial and when I don’t believe it, I deserve better. I deserve better friends and people in my life than ones who don’t respect me. I deserve a life where I’m not strapped down underneath the weight of the guilt you filled me up with. I deserve to go to class and not have to constantly doubt myself or whether or not I’m good enough, pretty enough, smart enough to be there.

Don’t give me all that bull shit about you telling me the truth and me not being able to take criticism. Putting someone’s spirits down and killing them is never constructive criticism and let me tell you that if you really thought you were only telling me the truth about me then your truth is shady and very messed up. Your behavior is your choice and that is why I hold you responsible for the aggression you had towards me. Your choices led to drastic sad results. I don’t think you’ll ever know just how badly you affected me. I want you to know that while you did your worst to me, I decided that I will never let you win. I will find a way to overcome what you did to me, because my good and big heart is better and bigger than your aggression and evil actions, and what I know about life is that light consumes darkness just as a candle lights the dark.

 

What you need to know about “LOVE”.

Posted by DreamSharer on September 23, 2012

Two tear drops were floating down the river. One teardrop said to the other, “I’m the teardrop of a girl who loved a man and lost him. Who are you?”…”I’m the teardrop of the man who regretted letting a girl go…”

There is this stereotype that women get hurt and feel and are emotional while men are not. The only difference I see between most men and women is that girls are more vocal about their pain and hurt while men keep it to themselves and suffer in silence.

You’ll know that you miss someone very much when every time you think of that person, your heart breaks into pieces and just a quick “Hello” from that person can bring the broken pieces back together. Love is a strange emotion. Very quickly that person becomes the reason for your joy and the reason for your pain and he becomes your whole world!

What I can say about love is that you need to give it unconditionally. Don’t expect love in return, just wait for it and allow it to grow in his heart, if it doesn’t, the just take delight and feel happy that it grew in yours.

Love is a force of nature, we can not command, demand, or make love disappear. Love is bigger than any of us are. You can hope for it and  invite love to your life, but you cannot dictate how, when, and where love expresses itself in your life. You can choose to surrender to love, or not, but in the end love strikes like lightening, unpredictable and irrefutable. You can even find yourself loving someone you don’t like at all. Love does not come with conditions, stipulations, addendums, or codes. Love just radiates independently.

Love is free. It cannot be bought, sold, or traded. You cannot make someone love you, and you also cannot prevent it from happening. Love cannot be imprisoned nor can it be legislated. Love is not a substance, not a commodity, and it is not even a marketable power source. Love has no territories, no borders, no quantifiable mass or energy output.

One can buy many things ranging from loyalty, companionship, attention, to perhaps even compassion, but love itself cannot be bought.  Whether love happens, or not, it does by its own grace, of its own will and in its own timing, it is never subject to our plans.

Love does not threaten to withhold itself if it doesn’t get what it wants. Love does not say, directly or indirectly, “If you are a bad boy, Mommy won’t love you any more.” Love does not say, “Daddy’s little girl doesn’t do that.” Love does not say, “If you want to be loved you must be nice, or do what I want, or never love anyone else, or promise you’ll never leave me.”

Love cares about what happens to you because love knows that we are all connected. Love is compassionate and empathic.  This is the true nature of love and it is worth remembering that love can not be manipulated or restrained. Love actually honors the sovereignty of each soul. Love is its own law.

True Love is Caring.

Ancient Greeks had many different names for different forms of love: passion, virtuous, affection for the family, desire, and general affection. However, no matter where you come from or how you define love, all definitions have one common trait: Love is caring.

 

True Love is Attractive.

Attraction and chemistry cause people to have the bond allowing them to mate. Without this romantic desire for one another, a relationship is devoid from love and is nothing but lust or infatuation.

 

True Love is Attached.

I can compare love to the mother-child bond, attachment comes after the initial attraction between a couple. Attachment is the long term love that occurs anywhere between one to three years into the romantic relationship.  You’ll know you’ve found love when you can honestly say, “I’ve seen the worst and the best my partner can offer, and I still love him/her.”

 

True Love is Committed.

Commitment in love is more than just monogamy. Its the knowledge that your partner cares for you and has your back, no matter what happens or  the circumstances. Couples who are strongly committed to one another will, when they are faced with negative information about their partner, see and focus only the positive.

 

True Love is Intimate.

In order to know each other, you need to share parts of yourselves with one another. True love is sharing. This self-revealing behavior, when it is reciprocated, it forms a very strong and emotional bond. Over time, this strong bond strengthens and evolves, so the couple merge closer and closer together becoming stronger than ever before. Intimacy is a great element of a relationship.

Do I really mean anything to anyone?

Posted by DreamSharer on July 8, 2012

Today, I feel what my real life is. I used to have a life full of people. So many friends, so many loved ones, so many strangers I’d meet and so many acquaintances. I never really ran out of people to talk to. Everywhere I turned there were 100′s of people who loved just waiting to spend time with me. Even in my painful moments, I used to be happy because I would feel the love all around me. All of a sudden all of that got taken away from me. Everyone is so busy and I have to adjust. The stress got more and I had to adjust. I fell in love again and my life centered around him. I gave him such a huge responsibility because subconsciously I made my life revolve around him. The day he is not there, emptiness filled my heart. Life separated me from my friends and loved ones and I learned what it means to be alone. But when he came along, he was my light. I am sorry I gave him that responsibility but he is everything to me.

Every day now, I fight new struggles in my life and every day I am reminded that I fight alone. I don’t feel the presence of friends and loved ones as I used to. I have fierce battles to fight each passing day when all I am trying to do is just relax. What is worse I have to fight alone because no one can help me. But I wanna just give up because I am tired of fighting. I am tired of my battles. I am tired of being alone. I want my life back. I want my friends back. I want the love of my life back.

My heart bleeds. I think I am just waiting helplessly for the end to come. I feel that my soul was sucked out. I feel just so tired and yet so hopeless. I have seen myself give up many times. I have seen that twice last night and once today. I have seen myself drift away. But even then I don’t take actions because I am afraid of dying alone. I feel alone…so alone. Who will ever feel my absence when they live days and weeks without me. How will my absence even affect them when they can go on for so many days and weeks without even once replying to me. Do I really mean anything to anyone because I know I don’t mean anything to myself. The only thing that kept me fighting is not hurting them but now I feel that they either won’t get hurt that much or that they will just get over it as soon as it happens.

I am so weak right now. I can’t find my strength or smile anywhere. I just wanna retire and end the pain.

Goodbye my role model…Goodbye my father…Goodbye my mentor!

Posted by DreamSharer on July 3, 2012

He is the icon and symbol of the meaning of work and dedication while helping and serving others.  He Spent his life serving the University, students and teachers, each and every student and teacher at the university have been helped by him. Then .. Suddenly he just disappeared. Without any warning, without any sign, he was just gone.

The impact of the news of his death is still a source of pain for most. The whole campus, the university as a whole, with all the students and teachers in it, have all entered a state of severe trauma of complete unawareness and unconsciousness as they tried to grasp the news.

He was a popular name amongst all the students to solve registration problems and get his advice on courses. His door was always open to all students. The number of students coming from all colleges waiting outside his office was an enormous number. And yet he did not leave his office until the last one of those students got his help and until the Student Affairs were resolved. Any time you needed to seek his help, he was always welcoming you with a big smile ear to ear and you would leave his office with your problems solved.

He gave all his time and efforts on a golden plate to the University and to his students. He studied his students, catered to them, made them feel important, solved their problems, helped other teachers, and he served the university with excellence. He is gone now and all that is left of him, is his reputation and his wonderful spirit that lives inside every one of his students. His reputation and spirit is a fire in the hearts of every one in that university.

I feel that the world did not lose one of its gems today but actually gained many more. He was a gem of a human being and I agree that his loss is unbearable but he lives inside each and every one of us (his children) and it is up to us to continue his legacy. He is not dead if we keep him alive through our actions and what he taught us. He is alive inside all of us for all the lessons he taught us and how we should all “PAY IT FORWARD.” You love his smile? Then never stop smiling. You love how he remembered each of our names? Then never forget the names of the people around you. You love how he helped every one of us? Then don’t stop helping people and carry on his legacy. Teach your children and your friends what he taught you. Keep him alive through remembering him and praying for him.

The world needs more people like him and it is up to you to make him your role model and keep his memory alive. You see we forgot that he is human too and he has time. We took his presence for granted thinking he will outgrow all of us. But he is a great educator and a great teacher knows his students well so he knows how we all feel about him. Just keep that in mind.

He was always approachable so be like him always approachable. Let his life mean something when the difference he made in the world of education lives on even after he passed away. Continue his legacy and continue to make a difference in the world.

Dr.Sadek’s unorthodox teaching methods taught a lot more than any teachers out there. He used to make his routine math classes fun with his jokes and his songs. Every time there was a tough equation to work with, he would sing a song about it. Who does that? What other teacher uses such methods? Well he did because he spent a lot of time teaching himself about his students and developing teaching strategies to suit each and every unique student. You see all other teachers just treat all students as if they were all the same. But then again, we are talking about Dr. Ibrahim Sadek aren’t we?  He would address each student by his name and he would try to speak in their native language.

Dr. Ibrahim Sadek was indeed a kind and great father to all of us. He was a professor, and an adviser, a friend and a brother and a parent to all of us. He was a very helpful person to everyone and even if he could not help, he used to still try to make students’ life easier, and he would spend hours at his office without taking any break just to solve all of his students’ issues. A Great person with a pure soul like him will never be forgotten. He is living inside our hearts and he will live in many memories for decades to come. His life held meaning because he made a true difference in this world. He continues to do so even after he passed away because his lessons will live on inside us and we will continue what he started. May his soul rest in peace.

2012 Peace of Minds Walk for Schizophrenia

Posted by DreamSharer on May 27, 2012

Today was a reminder to me that no reward is greater than the satisfying feeling you get when you give your best unselfishly for others, especially for children and individuals suffering a psychiatric disorder like Schizophrenia. To do something so simple but great at the same time to support those who need you; how amazing is it to work for a cause when you know you are needed and when you know you are appreciated?

Fundraising events and other humanitarian volunteering opportunities apply that special touch, that extra smile and willing pair of hands to help make the difference needed in your community and every community.

Today I was able to give the greatest gift of all, my help by doing a walk for hope. All I had to do was spare a little time on a Sunday morning and share a little of myself with the world.

It’s a great feeling to know that your contribution is helping so many people. I enjoyed today’s event although it was a big challenge for me to raise any money but I know with all my heart that even that $20 I raised will do something to help those people who needed my help. Fundraising events always present you with a good team spirit and lots of fun too. I feel very privileged to have attended today’s SSO Peace of Mind’s walk for Schizophrenia which will benefit the people who are in so much need.

I am passionate about why we need to fund-raise and volunteer in our society, ultimately it is to help save lives.

Programs like the Peace of Minds Walk depend on volunteers like us whose help is essential to the cause they are fighting for. Volunteers help the SSO raise thousands of dollars each year and help in many different ways, from giving talks to running merchandise stalls at various events. I hope I will be able to participate again at the Peace of Minds walk and hopefully to be able to help ensure raising the necessary funds, reaching my fundraising goal next time and provide the support that the SSO needs to continue providing such vitally important and life saving services.

I have always had a passion for helping people and doing something like today’s fundraising event is just so fascinating. I truly found the walk I did this morning very refreshing and more fulfilling than anything else and I felt that I was truly making a difference even by doing something small like that. All day today, I kept hoping to be able to inspire as many people as I can through my walk to support the SSO to continue their counseling and community programs and their research, etc. for those suffering a lifetime of schizophrenia!

I kept in my mind all day that, charities rely on the goodwill and generosity of the public to keep running and that is what kept me going through the day despite the challenge of my team not being able to raise much funds but I realized that the Peace of Minds’ walk is fortunate that so many people support it in many ways especially to be there on location on a Sunday morning with their children to walk and raise money for those in need. The park we walked through was packed with couples, people, children and whole families who joined to walk together hand in hand to help support those suffering with schizophrenia.

Having the opportunity to feel that you are part of something rewarding and charity-related that really does make a difference to society and to people’s lives is truly something very special and worth committing to.

Bastoy’s Halden Prison

Posted by DreamSharer on May 26, 2012

Scandinavia, Norway specifically, is currently the world capitol of moral respect, human rights and politically correct thinking. One might argue or ask is this the right treatment for murderers and rapists?

While I believe that Bastoy’s Halden Prison’s actions are commendable and very respected, I think this system overlooks one fundamental pillar of human rights. That pillar is Justice. Justice is about taking the right measures to punish those who kill or hurt another, not making the criminals feel like they are on vacation. What we have here is a system that puts criminals first not victims first and to me this contradictory to the natural world and to what fairness means to humanity.

I see this system as prioritizing rehabilitation to these prisoners, but this system seems to overlook the pain and well-being of the law abiding citizens. I believe that everyone deserves a second chance, but seriously many of those citizens out there work so hard day and night while abiding with the law to earn a decent living and then comes those who commit a crime and get into Halden Prison and live a life that all citizens out there would die for? What do you think? Wouldn’t that make you wanna break the law or kill someone to get into a prison like that?

Unfortunately, there is talk that the famous mass murderer Anders Behring Breivik who targeted immigrants and children of foreign origins, may be sent to Halden. Is this fair? A terrorist mass murderer who lit up discrimination and killed children and innocent people would end up living in what I would like to call a romantic getaway! Any sane human being with a conscience desires punishment and justice, for someone who committed the worst of all crimes in his racist and terrorist advocacy and cause. So should a murderer like Breivik live in a well designed nice smelling luxurious dorm room more modern and luxurious than most people in the world today? Should he have access to hiking trails, cooking classes, and a sound studio at his fingertips? Oh and before I forget thanks to the humane kind of thinking today, he can get access to more sunlight through his vertical cell windows.

The purpose of this post is to show the absolute lack of human rights in “the nicest Prison in the world.” It is like championing the human rights of those who trespassed any human rights and forfeited those rights when they took innocent human lives or raped or molested children or women.

For God’s sake how about making the worst Prison for victims then if we should make a nicest prison for murderers and rapists?

The most wonderful friend anyone could ever ask for!

Posted by DreamSharer on May 1, 2012

Nine years ago, I met the most wonderful friend anyone could ever ask for.  Very shortly after meeting, we became best friends although we did not like each other at first. I always knew we would be close. Till this day, I’ve never met anyone like her. She is too amazing that words just cannot describe her, and our friendship is very strong. I am so lucky to have found a spirit that always watches over me even when I am miles and oceans away from her. The bond we share as best friends is so rare, and so special beyond imagination. Whether you believe in this stuff or not, but I know that we are both connected in souls. We spend all of our time together even when we are not in the same place or country because our thoughts are always with each other. My best friend is someone I miss like nothing else and I think about every single day. Your determination and optimism is something I aspire to achieve every single day. I will forever hold you in a very special place in my heart. You have  lots of courage and the most expressive face I’ve seen on anyone else.

We have an almost telepathic connection; I knew when you were in distress from across the miles, and you would send me a message or call me whenever I was thinking of you or needed you. We had secrets together, code words that only we knew and expressions that only we understood from things we remembered or said to each other in the past. Tell me who else understands me the way you do? I miss you so much more than I can show or explain.

I remember the nights I spent at your apartment when you insisted that I would sleep on the bed and you’d sleep on the floor. You slept on the floor beside the bed and we both fell asleep while talking and laughing together.

You are a very big part of my life. I miss our time at Gloria Jean’s do you remember that? Do you remember when we used to spend time at Virgin’s Columbus Cafe drinking Dark hot chocolate? Do you remember those times as vividly as I do? You know what I also miss? I miss the way we said hello to each other every time we got together.

I miss having you to talk to because you would listen and not judge, and comfort me without words. I want you to know that I am not complaining because I am grateful for every second we spent together. Being your best friend has taught me more than I could have been taught by life’s experiences and more than I even realize today. The lessons I learned from you still unfold everyday and will continue to do so in the future.

Throughout the years, we were inseparable. You changed my outlook on life and on friendship.I just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me. I don’t know what I would do without a great best friend like you. I would climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest sea, walk across the hottest desert just to tell you how incredibly special your friendship is to me.

True friendship is a very divine quality and one of the sacred ties between humans in this world. To find a true friend is something very rare nowadays. You are very polite, good mannered, extremely intelligent and sweet tempered. You never break your promises to others. You continuously learn from your mistakes and from others too. You are always helpful to others in their time of need. You are a true friend in need.

During the times I needed you most,  you spent many sleepless nights keeping me company, being there for me, listening to me and giving me hugs when I needed them. Sometimes even sitting by my side throughout the night till I fall asleep after crying for hours. Tell me honestly, who else did that for me? Who else never failed to be there for me in my times of need never giving up on me or ditching me for whatever reason?

All these qualities you have my moonlight companion make you the best friend of the year every year and I am so proud of you my sweetest wonderful best friend. There is no other person in this world like you or who is a duplicate of you and no one can ever replace you just always remember that.

A pledge to myself and the universe

Posted by DreamSharer on April 21, 2012

I realized something last night…I realized how I have been in so much pain that I ended up giving up a lot of who I am. I realized that I have to remind myself of who I am and what I stand for every once in a while. I know I am not perfect and I know that I have some disabilities but I can never overcome that when I am not doing anything about it. So as hard as it is for me I sat down and thought of what I want to pledge to myself to get better and be a better person. Here’s my pledge which I will keep reminding myself of every time my hopes and spirits are down.

 

I pledge to give my best effort in all I do to continue to learn and improve. I will not let mistakes or fears of making a mistake stop me. I understand that mistakes are part of life and I can learn from my mistakes so I do not do them again. I will not compare myself to others as that creates jealousy and because I am giving my best and I am just as good as anyone and my skills will improve as I practice more.

I might fall short of my ideals sometimes, but I pledge that I will always try to do better, and I will try to learn from my mistakes.

I pledge to perform at my highest level at all times. I want to succeed in life so I will always keep trying my best.

I pledge to maximize my strengths while overcoming my weaknesses.

I pledge to not wallow in my mistakes — instead, staying positive and learning from them so I can become a better person.

I pledge to remember that success does not always equate to learning, nor does learning always result in success.

I pledge to reward myself whenever I achieve success.

I promise to be thankful for living every day.

I promise to be faithful to myself and others.

I promise to never take life for-granted and be thankful for all that I have.

I promise to have compassion.

I promise to never fear my emotions, love, hate, sadness, happiness, but learn to deal with them.

I promise that I’ll try to understand others and live with what life has given me.

I pledge to live my life to the fullest.

I pledge to be responsible for myself and compassionate towards others.

I pledge to love and respect myself and my friends and loved ones.

I pledge to “show up” in my life as myself, not as an imitation of anyone else.

I pledge to avoid using the word “just” to describe myself. For example, I won’t say, “I’m just a mother,” “I’m just a student” or “I’m just an ordinary person.”

I pledge to give myself ten minutes of silence and stillness every day to get in touch with my heart and hear my own voice.

I pledge to use my voice to connect my dreams to my actions.

I pledge to use my voice to empower myself and others.

I pledge to serve my community at least once a year in a way that will benefit other people.

I pledge to ask myself, “Who am I? What do I believe in? What am I grateful for? What do I want my life to stand for?”

I pledge to sit down and write my own mission statement.

I pledge to live my own legacy.

And I pledge to pass it on to my children.

I pledge to give myself credit for how far I’ve come and permission to continue learning and growing from my experiences AND my mistakes.

I pledge to honor my friends and family. To be patient, compassionate and non-judgmental.

I pledge to find and appreciate the joy in life. The small things. The outdoors. The fleeting moments.

I pledge to love myself more every day.

I pledge to put myself first and make my own happiness and vitality a top priority.

I pledge to give back to others – to make an impact on people’s lives.

I pledge to live by example. To live with integrity so that my thoughts, speech and action are aligned with my true self.

I pledge to express myself fully by doing what I love.

I pledge to acknowledge that pain and discomfort are necessary for growth and new experiences.

I pledge to see the beauty in all things and all people.

I pledge that I am not my past, nor my future, but my present – make the most of it

I pledge to slow down and be present

I pledge to love and care for myself as much as I love and care for those I hold most dear

I pledge to demonstrate interconnectivity with the universe by caring for, in my own special way, my fellow beings

I pledge to never stop learning, growing and challenging myself – especially when things are comfortable

I pledge to find joy everyday

I pledge to forgive and let go…

I pledge to never stop having fun!

I pledge to never stop believing in hope, goodness and fairy tales

I pledge to always be passionate and to strive for wisdom

Nothing really matters!

Posted by DreamSharer on April 8, 2012

I  feel like shriveling up and disappearing away. I feel like faking my death so I can start a fresh life away from all the pain and hurt I am going through at the moment. It feels like the whole world is on my shoulder and there is no one to help me carry that burden. My best friend, the person who used to show me the light in the dark, he disappeared. He is gone and I miss him so much. I am unable to talk to anyone or even find peace.

I feel so lonesome today. Who will hear my pain or help me through? I feel very misunderstood and overtaken by the world`s agony. Everyone who is troubled finds peace in taking it out on me, but what about me?  I am so emotionally tired and drained! I can`t do it alone. I am very severely hurt. I am not meant to always be judged harshly and for people to be tough with me. I deserve some understanding and some love and some support. Things I rarely feel now.

My disability is that I suck at verbal communication and yet even those who know that well still are not even ready to give that any consideration but want to hold it against me. I do try to explain what I meant to say and they don`t  care about what I mean, they care about what they heard, even knowing I have a problem expressing myself, my opinions and my beliefs. In what law, is this fair? I always provide my tolerance and patience with everyone, yet no one wants to do the same for me. why? what is wrong with me? Why is it impossible for people to make exceptions for me as I do for them?

I am so tired of my life! I struggle to find only one reason everyday to keep me going. For someone who feels every aspect of her life is not successful and that the whole world is against her including the ones she loves the most I struggle to stay on my feet everyday. I keep it all to myself. I am this close to giving up. Nothing in my life is working and nothing in my life is worth fighting for. I feel even that even my relationship is going downhill and everyone is too busy to even notice what I am going through. I have been sleeping almost 22 hours of the 24 hours of the day. I have not been eating and mostly I have been waking up at night choking out of breath. I have nightmares 22 hours of the day while sleeping and I have not been taking my medications. I am going through hell and I feel so unwilling to fight for anything.  I don’t think I can do it anymore. Behind my fake smile that I show to everyone including my own family, there is this hollow sorrow and severe pain that does not stop. I don`t really see any light around me. My friends are gone, and the ones I love the most are not aware of what I am feeling. I am so tired. I am very very tired. My tears won`t stop and all I want is for all this to end. that is the only way my pain will end.

My dream since I was a little fairy talish child is that one day, God will send me a friend, an angel, who will be the only one who understood me and understood my disabilities and embraced them and kept me safe. I guess that will always remain a meaningless dream of a stupid little girl. I hate the world right now. I hate everything and nothing matters to me. I wish with all my heart to just fade away into another realm into an alternate reality away from all this.