DreamSharer Boulevard

A Media Shrine and a Garden
of Art, Creativity & Inspiration.

Archive for January, 2015

I can’t even breathe

Posted by DreamSharer on January 30, 2015

My chest has been so tight.  I can barely breathe. I wanted to talk to someone but there is no one I could talk to. I feel lost and alone and have no idea what to do. I just seem to be a problem to people around me just by existing in this world. Whatever I do and whatever I say, just end up getting more people upset with me.

 

I’ve been feeling so bottled up. I feel like with every minute that passes, I am just holding back my tears because I feel like I am about to crumble. My chest closes up at times and I just feel like I can’t breathe anymore. All I wanted was to be able to be myself and to be loved for who I am. But I feel like being myself hurts people. I don’t want to hurt anyone.

 

Confronting does not work because I always get the same standard answer  “I didn’t meant it.” If you don’t mean it then why say it or do it?

 

At this point I feel so lost and not able to see my road ahead clearly. I feel like I am at a dead end and I don’t know what’s next. I can’t take any of my past actions back. I can only deal with what is happening right now.

 

I am just tired of being stressed out all the time. I just want a break. I have no idea what to do next. I can’t even think anymore, my mind is blank and I feel I am on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Volcano about to explode

Posted by DreamSharer on January 29, 2015

volcano7n-7-web

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know anything but I try to give myself hope or else I would crumble.  This period I am going through is very difficult for me. I am so angry, enraged and full of rage. Everything that happens to me now, however small, just feeds that anger more. I only see red around me. Every fiber and cell inside me is full of anger and about to burst. I have been feeling like a volcano for a long time and today I feel that anything else that happens will get that volcano to explode and all that lava to burn everything around me including me. I am on the verge
of explosion. I only want to sleep everything off because I don’t want to break. I am trying to keep that volcano from  exploding and yet I feel like I can’t. I am choking on my own anger and my chest feels so tight and I can’t stand anything or anyone. At this specific moment I just want to disappear into nothing.

ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER…that’s all that is filling me and filling my head.

I am seeing red because I feel hurt and betrayed in many ways and things keep coming up. I don’t get even one day to relax before a new thing comes up. I am just so tired.  Emotionally, mentally, physically…I am so tired.  This pent up anger is killing me. I can’t even breathe. I feel so horrible. My chest hurts, my throat hurts, I feel like something is stuck in my throat and choking me.

I do believe that the actions of people make me feel those things. When the actions don’t match the words, we get confused and we don’t know what is true anymore. Do we believe the words, or the actions? We can’t believe both because they contradict one another, so what do we believe? Do we believe how the actions make us feel?

I know right now I am hurting so much and hurting because of a lot.  I feel so many scars and hurt. I have fainted in the past because my inability to get my anger out in a healthy way manifested into a physical and emotional breakdown and now I want to try and find a way to get my anger and hurt out but in a healthy manner and I still don’t know how…But I am trying to figure it all out.